It was bound to happen. The Cadbury Creme egg, the GOAT of all Easter candy treats, has been dethroned by an unlikely foe. The Cheez-It egg. A glorious plastic egg filled with the greatest cheese flavored snack cracker of all time. Made with 100% cheese and safe for ages 3 and up. Baked perfection in every bite. An idea so simple I can’t believe we haven't seen it before 2020. But better late than never right?
The Cheez-It is the greatest cheese flavored snack cracker ever created, followed closely by the Cheddar Cheese Goldfish. The Cheese Nip isn’t even in the conversation. Better Cheddars. You’re fooling yourself. Keebler Cheese and Cheddar. You amuse me. But just to be clear, I’m referring to the original 1” x 1” size Cheez-It and no other.
In a move that can only be described as greedy, the Kellogg Company tried to force several line extensions on us. Wrong! We don’t need our Cheez-It’s Snap’d, Grooved, as Duoz or in Snack Mix. Then, to add salt to the wound (instead of the top of the cracker), they messed with the original which is unconscionable and here are my reasons why:
Extra BIG Cheez-It: Too big. The inability to jam a handful down your gullet renders them useless.
Cheez-It Extra Toasty: They are toasted perfectly. Extra toasting is just a silly pipe dream.
Baked Cheez-It: Who wants a healthier Cheez-It? People I don’t care to associate with, that’s who.
Cheez-It Extra Cheesy: Whether it’s Kraft Mac & Cheese or Cheez-It’s, adding more cheese ruins the perfect balance of the original.
Reduced Fat Cheez-It: The Cheez-It is not a diet food so don’t try to make it one.
White Cheddar, Pepper Jack, Cheddar Jack, Italian Four Cheese, Cheese Pizza, Hot & Spicy, Buffalo Wing and Queso Fundido: What is the devil’s name compelled you to even consider ruining perfection? Whoever brought that up in the R&D ideation meetings needs to be terminated with extreme prejudice.
Gluten-Free Cheez-It: I’m gonna let this one slide as no one should be denied the ultimate cheese cracker experience because of illness.
Whole Grain Cheez-It: Seriously? Whole grain? We don’t need, nor do we want whole grain eaters in our Cheez-It Army. Just go back to your craft beer drinking, kale eating, bike sharing lifestyle and stop bothering those of us who choose to live life to the fullest.
As of today, Cadbury Eggs are dead to me. So is the Reese’s Egg, the malted milk egg, the Peep and the jellybean. White Chocolate rabbits get to stay, but the Cheez-It egg is now the undisputed GOAT of Easter treats. End of discussion.