I am not ashamed to admit, nor will I apologize for being a fan of The Bachelor franchise. Well, at least The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The third leg of the stool, Bachelor in Paradise, sucks. It is the reigning King of Sucks Mountain. That is up until yesterday when ABC announced a music based spinoff, The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart, a show created to bring singles together to find true love through the magic of music.
You gotta be dry shavin’ me.
We’ve got only one person to thank for this travesty. Jed Wyatt, the aspiring Nashville artist (dog food jingle writer) who parlayed a $200 guitar, a few Minor 7th chords, and a bad falsetto into getting a proposal from America’s newly anointed sweetheart - Hannah B. We loved her. Hated him. He lied. He cheated. He broke her heart. Even worse, he paraded around South Broadway wearing a fleece lined denim jacket which can only mean one thing. He will be the first announced contestant on the show.
The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart, will focus on 20 singles who are either musicians or work in the music industry, on a quest to find love by singing well-known songs. Just think of it as Bachelor In Paradise meets Tinder at a TGI Friday’s Karaoke Night complete with open bar, unlimited jalapeno poppers and horrifying renditions of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow” with a few Lionel Richie songs thrown in for good measure. Someone will butcher an Adele song. A shy guy will crush a heavy metal song and one contestant who is "trying hard to get over his previous relationship with a long-time girlfriend who left him for his bass player", will serenade a woman named Beth with "Beth" by Kiss. He'll probably play piano too. And sprinkled in along the way we will be treated to slow dances on a sound stage designed to replicate a starry night, against the backdrop of live performances by artists that will have you saying, “Who the f was that?”
Oh, it’s gonna suck big time. It’s going to be a one-way rocket ride to Planet Suck. But at least now I know where I’m gonna be at 7PM on Monday, April 13th -- at Miller Park watching the Brewers play the Phillies.